Two and a half years into our youngest son’s journey with metastatic bone cancer, I am finally beginning to sort out its effects on me as Isaac’s mother. To be transparent about what I’ve discovered means making myself acutely vulnerable, both to self-focus and the judgements of others. I’ve decided that, since what I’m writing is more about Who God is than about me, the risks are worth taking.
It often happens that my biggest revelations, my biggest changes of mind, begin with the remarks of others. A friend will say something seemingly straightforward or insignificant, but the words will niggle at me until I take them to my Heavenly Father to sort them out. I’ve been poring over and trying to understand my responses to two recent comments, both from dear friends.
“You can be real with us.”
and
“Just know that you don’t have to be spiritual all the time.”
My friends had good motives. I know that they wanted to give me the freedom to be myself without the burden of hiding my emotions behind a brave face. I know that they are concerned about my distress as a mother whose child’s life is being threatened, and they want to help me to bear it. They don’t want me to “go it alone,” and I am grateful.
In spite of that, something about those comments disturbed me. It has taken me awhile to discern just what, and longer still to put it into words.
First I had to acknowledge the criticism implied in both, and the truth in that criticism. The first statement implies that I don’t come across as being completely honest. It’s true that I don’t often express the depths of what I feel. In my defense I am rarely in a setting where that would be appropriate. I also admit that I shield people from my pain. Just hearing that we have a child with stage IV cancer shocks and hurts, so I often don’t let people who aren’t particularly close to us know. I’m also reticent to “unload” on intimate friends.
To remedy that, and to answer all the kind people who have asked, "How are you, really?" here is the “state of Kate:”
Sometimes my heart hurts so badly that I can hardly catch my breath.
Sometimes I am so happy that I wonder how I could ever be sad or angry or stressed again.
I have been through all the stages of grief, and will again... and again, I am sure.
There are times it feels like everyone needs me, but there’s hardly any of me left.
I have a constant battle with my escapist tendencies.
I am often oversensitive. “Raw,” is how one friend aptly described it. Small unkindnesses, usual daily stresses, and friction in relationships (even those I’m not a part of!) can hurt me like salt on a skinned knee. I am constantly having to put things back into proper perspective, and I’m thankful for friends and especially my husband who help me to do that.
I've always been a bit of an air-head, and now that fault has ballooned to critical proportions. I am forgetful, confused and unreliable. I know that it is a symptom of prolonged stress, but I find it hard to give myself grace, especially when I inconvenience others. It’s a blow to my pride as well, but that’s not all bad.
There are times when I cannot collect my thoughts, which is frightening. I can't even process well enough to panic. I am learning to stop, find a quiet place, and affirm that while it’s true that I can’t, God can, and to wait - as patiently as possible - for Him to lay a straight path in the midst of my confusion.
The second statement, “Just know that you don’t have to be spiritual all the time,” implies that I am hiding behind spiritual platitudes, or at least that there is a non-spiritual state and I should spend some time there. Are there other options to being "spiritual" for a blood-bought1 child of God?
I was mulling this over a few weeks ago as I restored the felt padding on the runners of our rocking chair. The past often sheds light on the present for me, so I was not surprised that as I relived my history with the old chair I found an answer to my question.
I was a severe asthmatic growing up. I would frequently wake my parents up in the middle of the night and let them know I was in trouble. It’s funny. I remember being afraid of the dark, but I never turned any lights on when I went to them; I went straight through the gloom to their bedside. In the early 60’s treatment consisted of a shot of epinephrine, usually by my father… and then the rocking chair in an effort to calm a hyped-up child enough for sleep. I can only imagine how exhausted my daddy must have been, rocking a chatty four year-old on adrenaline in the dark. What I remember is the soothing comfort of the rocking, the creaking of the cane back and seat, my father's steady heartbeat in contrast to my own frantic rhythm, and his strong, warm shoulder.
What if that little girl, struggling for breath, had had no where to go? I am still that little girl. If I weren’t constantly aware that the Most High has condescended to call me His child, and gone so far as to give me the privilege of calling Him “Abba” ("Daddy"),2 I could never bear the suffering of my own child. If I did not know, and remind myself often, that He is in complete control, and that He will not ask me to endure any difficulty that will not pale in comparison to the wonders He will bring out of it,3 I would be crushed. If I did not know that He is far more than able to heal Isaac instantly4, I would have no hope. Oh, my friends, I DO have to be “spiritual” all the time, for I would die without the Truth. His word is Truth.
As it is, by means of His Truth, I have a perspective of this journey that keeps it from being overwhelming, that shrinks it to its proper size.5
I have the ability to recognize spiritual warfare (though sometimes I’m a bit slow). Satan is ruthless. Believers whose children are in crisis are tempting targets; he delights in kicking us while we’re down.
6
I have real hope. My Heavenly Father will do as I have asked: whatever brings Him the most glory.7
I have joy that is not shadowed by my grief, like silver that can’t be tarnished. It’s a paradox, but I do not grieve as the world grieves.8
I have purpose. There is a glorious reason for everything God allows in our lives.9 I would not change anything He’s given us, no matter how heartbreaking, no matter how hard.
I am not alone, ever, no matter how alone I may feel.10
I have all I need. When my self runs out, as often happens, He is there to make up any lack.11
I am cared for. Even when it seems that I need to care for everyone, and no one is caring for me.12
I can recognize the good gifts He sends to comfort me and remind me of His love. It is no mistake when little Whitefoot, the fawn with four white pasterns, comes to the back pasture just when I’m moving the horses, or when a friend makes us Cambodian food, or when we all laugh until we cry.13
And so I can’t do other than trust Him completely.
Sometimes with grim determination,
“Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”14
Sometimes in desperation,
“Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!”15
And often in joyful abandon,
“I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my
salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and He has
made my feet like hind’s feet, and makes me walk
on my high places.”16
“Daddy? Daddy… I can’t breathe!” whispered in the dark, is as real as it gets.
1 “Therefore remember… that you were at that time separate from Christ… having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.” Ephesians 2:11-13 ↩
2 “And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, ‘Abba! Father!” Galatians 4:6 ↩
3 “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18 ↩
4 “See now that I, even I, am He, and there is no god with me: I kill, and I make alive; I wound, and I heal; And there is none that can deliver out of My hand.” Deuteronomy 32:39 ↩
5 “…while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18 ↩
6 “…Be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 ↩
7 “ And this is the confidence that we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.” 1 John 5:14 ↩
8 “…though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory…” 1 Peter 1:8
See also 1Thessalonians 4:13 ↩
9 “ And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28 ↩
10 “…for He Himself has said, ‘I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you’ “ Hebrews 13:5 ↩
11 “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 ↩
12 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God… casting all your anxiety upon Him, for He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6 ↩
13 “Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights…” James 1:17 ↩
14 Job 13:15 ↩
15 Mark 9:24 ↩
16 Habbakuk 3:18-19 ↩
